frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
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Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F