ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
#Caturday
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed