There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
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Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush