A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour