producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.