Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
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What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.