Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage