God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
i baked you a cake
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
#inspiration #foodforthought
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.