My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
You Might Also Like
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*