I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith