“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Think I pulled my liver
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down