I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.