The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
me when I see my crush
You when you started twitter vs. you now.