The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*