Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.