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‘CargoAndBoxer’
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.