Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf