I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
buying dead houseplants to save time
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had