My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Can. I. Help. You.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*