My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
…..pretty much.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.