You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
23. the denim jacket
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*