Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Happy Halloween 🎃
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night