STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!