Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You Might Also Like
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.