7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
how to have an accident 101
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on