Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.