Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Body by cheese-puffs.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?