I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.