Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
This checks out
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I hate when that happens.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions