Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
when dads have a rap battle
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination