Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
In banana years, I am bread.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
live, laugh, laundry.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?