*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
You Might Also Like
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*
Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.