@MakesYouGiggle

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

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@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

@degg

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

@ch000ch

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

@LuvPug

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@GingerHotDish

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

@JesKeepSwimming

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

@fro_vo

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

@reczit

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.