me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this