Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN