me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
DOOO EEEET
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.