[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The first one, obviously
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂