Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!