Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich