*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.