The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I’ve been learning to cook.
I’m not lazy
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.