[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?