@4SLars

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

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@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@Chhapiness

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

@AnOrangeSNES

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

@TheBoydP

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

@topaz_kell

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

@TheRobCee

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

@spacetwinks

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

@ilovepie84

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

@foodfacenow

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*