PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer


welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder


Amazon review: Amazon river

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.


I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.


I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.


Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.


villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please


villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit


I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.


ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone


Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*