PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.