A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare