I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
You Might Also Like
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I love the National Park Service.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’m too immature for adultery.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now