You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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Bringing home a sharpie
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
i meant to share this earlier
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.