You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
![]()
You Might Also Like
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
![]()
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
A great tip. #CakeRex
![]()
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Sponch
![]()
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area