ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Don’t make me out nice you.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
dream blunt rotation
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”