librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”