If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere