If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
You Might Also Like
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick