I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.