It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it